maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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