She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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