Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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