im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
