It was confusing and full of hummus
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
