Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
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shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
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guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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