Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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