So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
