Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
