take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
