So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
