last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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