I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
