I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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