Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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