Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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