Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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