I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think I won the penis lottery.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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