All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
