I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
