after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
