I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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