i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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