god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize