i think i have two assholes
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
