thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
this boner is exhausting
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
