You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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