either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
