I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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