i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
