I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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