I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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