May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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