I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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