Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
