he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
