im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
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