jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
