Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
