roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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