I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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