Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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