I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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