I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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