you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
