How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
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You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
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Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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