What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
