sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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