I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
