I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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