p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
