good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
