Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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