I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
