Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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