awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
