My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
